PASTORVON.com (E.G. von Trutzschler) » FOR TEACHERS AND YOUTH WORKERS » PROBLEM BOYS IN AN INSTITUTIONAL ENVIRONMENT: LIVING WITHOUT WAR AND HOW TO KEEP HARMONY AND IMPACT LIVES IN AN INSTITUTIONAL ENVIRONMENT


HOME » FOR TEACHERS AND YOUTH WORKERS » PROBLEM BOYS IN AN INSTITUTIONAL ENVIRONMENT: LIVING WITHOUT WAR AND HOW TO KEEP HARMONY AND IMPACT LIVES IN AN INSTITUTIONAL ENVIRONMENT PROBLEM BOY? This title is a little misconceiving. "Problem" boys? Let's be fair. These boys are more the product of problems they have never asked for and because of that, they have become "problems" to society. Particularly where it comes to accepting authority. Boys with their problems are targeted more than girls. It seems boys are problems and girls have problems. Problem boys? In one-way yes and in one-way no. I've worked, as a professional, more than fifty years with problem kids, many of them living in an institutional environment. Prisons, orphanages, schools and homes ... my focus has been boys; how they think, act and react. In the article below I have listed some observations and made some suggestions to help make the environment of institutional life a little easier and more inclined to integrate the so called "problem boy" into becoming a healthy part of society. CHECK OUT THE FOLLOWING TIPS! A REMINDER: As Adult and mature workers, it's sometimes necessary to reinforce our understanding of how to effectively work with a group of troubled boys packed into an institutional environment. The following are some reminders of how to make the best of a difficult but rewarding job. If you are working in an institution full of problem boys, you should understand that you are going to have problems. You need to come into the work with that understanding. The big question is; how will you handle the boy or boy's and their problems? A more honest question would be, are you part of the institution because you sincerely want to help the boys or simply for wages? Each immature or unskilled leader or helper working in an institution full of troubled boys is only going to compound the problems within the institution. Most inexperienced and unskilled workers create their own problems with the kids. Often there is an ongoing cold-war between the staff and kids. TRANSFER OF AUTHORITY: Sometimes we crucify our new or inexperienced staff workers by failing to properly "transfer authority and responsibility." Delegating authority is always tricky, it can be done right or done wrong! A new staff member given responsibility over a group of young residents always seems to cause problems as the new staff member navigates around the land-mines of her new territory. Without proper delegation of authority the kids will drive the new staff member into frustration, which often turns into yelling, threats, and beatings! Delegated authority, that is, authority bestowed on a new or inexperienced staff member is often not accepted by the kids! To be sure; the kids will always test a new staff member. The leader, and one delegating the authority needs to know this; the new staff member needs to know this! These little piranhas can kill! The leader, delegating a staff member authority, needs to do this publicly; in front of the kids that the new staff member will be responsible for. The leader must say and mean: he/she represents me! The leader needs to be seen as supporting the new member on the team. The leader and new staff member need to work close together until the new person is accepted by his kids. Caution leaders! Never take a new or inexperienced person, give him his responsibilities, and then let him go on his own! Done to often by busy and thoughtless leaders ... simply throwing them to the piranhas! ENVIRONMENT: The environment is so important to progress of any kind. My first goal, as the leader, was to create the right institutional environment. Every institution where kids live and work together creates it's own environment. An environment that's friendly to authority and discipline may be hard to create but it's great to work in. Conversely, an environment that's hostile to authority is a very difficult environment to work in. Problem kids can be your friends or your adversaries. The adult and mature leader is responsible for the institution's environment. Change always comes slow. TURNOVER: A high turn over of personnel in any institution is simply going to compound problems. Many unseen problems develop as a result of a high staff turnover. It's just unnatural to have an ongoing cycle of authorities. Most kids in an institution are insecure to begin with, this just adds to their insecurity. Investing your love and respect in a person who will soon disappear from your life is painful, another scar. If this happens often the kids will retreat into themselves and/or peers. They develop a defense mechanism by retreating and becoming cold and indifferent. I spent time in an orphanage in Bolivia where this was so apparent and the director had no clue. RUN-A-WAY KIDS: With kids that are incarcerated this won't be a problem, however, In many "homes" or orphanages you will have your share of runaways. Problem boys are immature and have a tendency to run from their problems. Often it's to get the attention they need. After they cool down, it's only right that you hunt for them and try to talk them back. If a kid is determined to leave, be sure that misunderstandings are rectified, and you separate as friends, with the runaway invited back any time. EACH BOY COMES WITH HIS OWN BAGGAGE: Remember every boy comes into your institution with a problem history that you had nothing to do with. It isn't your fault. His history is probably going to be revealed when he is under pressure. He will be a problem! Expect problems from problem boys ... don't be shocked or surprised. Look cool and keep cool and you will be respected. EVERY BOY WANTS A FAMILY: Most every boy would rather be anywhere but in an institution and in some cases he may prefer a good, homelike institution with loving staff, than his own dysfunctional home. FACT! You must assume he doesn't really want to be there. Most problem boys lack discipline and don't like to be under discipline or authority. Many boys along with most problem boys don't like schooling and homework. Most boys, especially teens don't like to work. Then, it's no big mystery as to why they run away. They think like kids because they are kids. As kids, they will tend to run from problems rather than face them. Often, all it takes for a kid to leave is an altercation! If a problem kid intends to run from an institution he will generally be thinking about it for days, maybe weeks and will often try and convince a friend or two to join him. In most cases the boy wants someone to care enough to talk him into coming back. Someone who will make the effort to give him the love and attention he deserves. And someone who will try to explain "why" he needs to return. INSTITUTION OR HOME: Every child was born to be raised in a normal home. A good and healthy home consists of a mature loving father and mature loving mother working together to raise their children into a healthy adulthood. No matter how varied an institution or "homelike," it's still unnatural, it's still an institution. An institution may be much better than a bad home or the street but it still isn't a home. EVERY PROBLEM BOY WANTS, NEEDS, AND CRAVES ATTENTION: ATTENTION IS A FORM OF RECOGNITION. Look at every one of your kids as a person needing love, attention and recognition. In every case your problem boy wants to be loved and wanted. Every normal kid is born to be loved and wanted. He wants and needs attention and recognition but being a problem kid he goes about getting that love and attention in all the wrong ways. And unfortunately we workers often respond in all the wrong ways. FACT: If bad behavior is the only way he can get attention, then he will behave bad. Even if his behavior will result in a beating, at least he gets his attention! He is recognized as a somebody, you don't beat a no-body. FACT: Every problem kid wants and needs attention! Why is it we can't find the time to complement or encourage a kid for what he does right. The time you invest in a kid will always pay off. FRUSTRATION: As a staff working with problem kids, prepare to be frustrated from time to time; you have several things going against you. Fifty problem kids, with their baggage, add to that the fact that they are in their adolescent years, all living together in a small area ... Fifty kids, each wanting your attention; all of this can easily become an explosive environment! Caution: Frustration can lead to anger and flaring temper! An outbreak of anger and temper on the part of the staff is like throwing gas into a fire. Remember, you can't take back what your mouth spits out in a fit of anger. Prepare to be cautious as you walk around land-mines. EVERY KID WANTS AND DESERVES TO BE TREATED FAIRLY! FAIR is the key word in successfully working with kids. Remember, problem kid or normal kid, all kids want to be treated FAIRLY. If they're treated UNFAIRLY, or perceive that they are being treated UNFAIRLY, they can become bitter and twisted. We as adult workers must always be the mature ones, we must discipline fairly. We must be cool while the kid may be hot! We must be calm when the kid is hot and angry. Any adult that is working with problem kids must be able to handle problem kids as a mature adult or he shouldn't be working with problem kids. We must be dedicated to solving problems not complicating problems. Example: Be fair! Keep your word! An orphanage full of boys were going on a camp outing in a few weeks. Two days before the campout three boys misbehaved and they were told they could not go to camp. This was a disappointing surprise. This was their punishment. They felt this was unfair, and it was, because they had looked forward to the camp and were never told that camp would be used as a punishment lever. What's right is right. THE "ABUSED" WORKER: Each kids is expected to do his share of work in an institution. Some kids are quiet and compliant while others are feisty and defiant! Every kid has a temperament. I've found in many institutes the more compliant boy who does the job without complaining is the one ends up doing the hard nasty jobs and doing them all the time. The verbal and defiant boy is difficult to work with, so the compliant boy continues on the hard jobs. It's easier to put him to work than argue with the strong willed kids. More hard work is not the best way to reward a quiet compliant kid. It isn't FAIR! Often that kid will get fed up and run away ... and he should! FAVORTISM: It's so normal and human to have favorites. Even in families parents will have their own favorite kids. Favoritism isn't FAIR and it isn't right it's socially unacceptable. Ask anyone who wasn't the favorite. Favoritism in an institution housing problem boys will produce an even more competitive environment. As a mature worker keep yourself from showing favoritism and you will be loved and respected by all. Spread your love to each and all, not to just a select few. THE FUTURE LEADER: Most of us prefer the quieter compliant boy. He learns well and does what you say and says what you like to hear. We find it easy to give him love and attention and think of him as a future leader BUT it's a fact that the energy filled, feisty boy who is often the one in trouble, has a greater potential of being a future leader. In early years his strong will, defiant mouth and actions get him in trouble. He's decisive and opinionated and dares to confront his peers and even his leaders ... because of this he is seen as a troublemaker. History proves that this boy will probably be the leader (for good or bad) on the other hand the compliant boy we all love will most likely be a good follower and possibly a leader of sorts. Don't destroy the leadership potential you have in your hand, befriend them and convert them to your side. (Tame the stallion!) When you lead the leaders you are the leader indeed! My goal has always been to find the leaders and win them to into becoming my followers. POLICY MADE ON THE SPOT: When we make up quick policy or rules right on the spot, especially under emotion ... it will turn out wrong! NEVER make a policy decision while your frustrated or angry ... it will turn out wrong! COOL DOWN before making that kind of decision. A cool and logical decision tends to be a good one. Take a walk first. Never state or promise a punishment to kids that you can't, won't, or don't intend to carry out THE MORE PROBLEM BOYS PACKED INTO A SMALL AREA THE MORE PROBLEMS YOU WILL HAVE: That's a simple formula for problems. It doesn't take a scientist to figure this one out. It's just a fact, a lot of problem boys in a small area produce fights and quarrels, if the same number of problem boys are in a large ranch setting, fewer fights and quarrels. Logical. Kids in a structured environment will have less problems than kids in a non=structured environment. Do the best with what you have. Keep problem kids busy. HEAT: A Hot series of days puts a great deal of pressure on a group of kids especially if they are crowded together in a small area. Often a product of a series of hot days is social stress resulting in more than usual arguments, fussing and fighting. Days of rain can present similar problems; have indoor games and activities in your mind. PUNISHING A KID FOR WHAT HE DOES WRONG: Of course there is a need to punish or discipline a problem kid for what he does or says that's wrong. I feel every kid expects to be punished for what he intentionally says or does wrong. To be FAIR he must be reminded WHY what he said or did was wrong and given the proper punishment without anger. The punishment of a problem boy should be given out by a calm mature adult with the authority to do so. The punishment of a wrong doer must always be according to his violation and his maturity, not your emotion. To be honest you will get better results by slowly encouraging a problem kid for what he does right than punishing him for what he does wrong. Punishing a boy for his infraction is always to help the boy learn the right way to act; NEVER TO BE A TARGET OF AN ANGRY FRUSTRATED WORKER!!! All boys deep down inside agree with and accept FAIR punishment. PERSPECTIVE: Always try to see things from the eyes of the kids. Try to get their view. While you may not agree with his perspective It will give you a better attitude to work with the kids. This is called understanding. HUMILIATION: Humiliation is cruel! Never humiliate a kid in front of his peers or an adult he respects. This is suicide. (Would you like to be humiliated in front of your friends?) The humiliated kid will learn to hate or dislike the one who humiliates him. Public humiliation just doesn't work. It's cruel! I've heard so many Adult workers and teachers humiliate their young students or problem kids thinking that the humiliation would make a behavioral change. Not true! Humiliating a problem student by calling him a donkey because he gets bad grades will indeed produce a donkey. It doesn't help the problem or solve the problem; it just drives it deeper inside. Humiliating a kid because he wets his bed is cruel. Attention! An intelligent and experienced person knows that kids who wet their beds have emotional problems and humiliating them just aggravates the problem. Humiliation simply doesn't work never use it! Just keep quiet and work with him. If necessary, buy him pampers until he stops wetting his bed. He'll ultimately stop of his own accord, and only of his own accord. Example: At a school one day, the teacher stood a boy up in front of everyone and myself (Whom he respected) and told me how dumb he was and how poor his grades were. That he was a donkey! I'm sure the teacher thought that this would make him try harder to get better grades and would give an example to the class but this was unFAIR and cruel! It was wrong! There is no evidence whatsoever that this helps the poor student, it just makes him a poorer student learning to hate school. Indeed if the teacher or leader tells a boy he's a dumb donkey enough times he will become a dumb donkey. Christian perspective: Humiliating a person is never something a loving mature Christian would do. PUNISHING EVERYONE FOR THE MISDEEDS OF A FEW! Somehow we think that punishing everyone for the misdeeds of a few will make the majority angry and they will put pressure on the few who misbehaved. The majority lever simply doesn't work! Why? Because the "trouble-makers" are normally the leaders of the whole group. The obedient majority aren't going to take on the disobedient leaders in the minority! (I think to myself "How dumb can some adults be??") If you understand kids you will understand that this type of discipline blurs the line of right and wrong. This type of discipline is still being practiced today. Too bad! What this UNFAIR discipline does do is make the good kids angry. It's not FAIR they say, and they're right! "I should never be castigated for what I didn't do!" Example: We had a teacher at school who would pull this type of discipline. On occasion we would all have to stay after school because of the antics of a few. No one would face up to the misbehavers SO, as long as we were going to be castigated anyway, we all joined in and misbehaved. We were all happy to make that dumb teacher's school day miserable. I can't believe the number of otherwise mature intelligent leaders use this type of discipline. Christian perspective? It isn't right! It isn't FAIR. DON'T MAKE A BOY A LEADER OVER HIS PEERS: On occasions this seems tempting but it isn't a good policy. This places an unhealthy pressure on the young boy. He is immature and inexperienced and many times not the real group leader. The only way he can make his peers obey is by yelling or going physical, after all this is the way he was probably disciplined. Be cautious before placing an older boy over younger problem boys. Be cautious about placing authority on the immature. This again puts too much pressure on the older boy and in most cases he has to enforce his authority by yelling and getting physical. This becomes an easy way to create a bully. EARNING YOUR RESPECT: Understand this! Just being an adult or having a leadership position does not give you respect with these kind of problem boys. The best kind of respect or influence you can have over a boy of this type comes as a gift to you from him. He either gives you his respect or doesn't give you his respect; respect is his to give and his alone! Respect is yours to earn. You can't demand it! Indeed you can force a child to fear you (punishment) but you can never force a child to love you or respect you ... true respect is earned! The answer is simply to be consistent and act, honestly, firmly, FAIRly and respectably, and you will get respect, it may take some time but it will come. When a mature and responsible adult shouts, screams, and loses control of his temper, he is not acting respectable or mature. A Christian perspective: A screaming, out-of-control leader is not acting as a Christian but as a child. NEVER ACCUSE THE WRONG PERSON: Don't be hasty! Never accuse anyone for something they didn't do! It simply isn't FAIR! Is it any different with problem children? No! An adult or leader accusing a problem kid or several kids of something they didn't do makes a deep wound and it will leave a kid scarred for life. It creates a genuine and deep dislike and distrust for those in leadership accusing him of what he never did. Being falsely accused embitters the boy against authority. Many problem boys find it easy to rebel against authority, because in the past they have been treated unfairly! Always make sure to accuse the right person or persons, if you aren't sure, hold your peace. Always remember his peers are always watching you and how you treat others. DISCIPLINE: Problem boys want discipline, and need it. Problem boys may fight it but underneath it all, every kid knows he needs discipline. Punishment and correction? Problem boys will take correction or punishment for misdeeds, if the correction is seen as just and fair. Several things that make all the difference in the world. (1) Make the rules needed simple and understandable. (2) Be consistent! (3) Discipline the boy without anger, after all the discipline is for the boy's good, not yours. (4) If you can, take opportunity to teach the why of the discipline. (5) Make the punishment fit the crime! Take the misdeed into consideration and take the age or maturity into consideration. Above all, be FAIR! Remember the boy is never to be a target for your frustration! The adult is expected to be the mature one, not the kid. HURTING THOSE YOU LOVE: If you dare to love problem kids, from time to time you will be hurt. Expect it! This is hard to understand. Problem kids have rarely been punished properly; sometimes beaten by someone they love, or never punished at all or they have been left by someone they loved they seem to sense a need for punishment so on occasion they will punish or hurt themselves in a variety of perverted ways. One way to punish themselves is to hurt someone they love, this "hurts" or "pains" ... and punishes them self. Unfortunately a person they love often becomes the target of this kind of twisted problem boy. Understand that the boy in doing this is hurting as much as you are. Wait it out, they'll often come back. Kids know they need to be corrected or disciplined for their wrongs and this is just one way of doing it to themselves ... how many problem kids behind bars are simply getting their attention and punishing themselves. NEVER ATTACK THE BOY HIMSELF ... ATTACK HIS BEHAVIOR: This is a simple secret I have used for years in disciplining kids. This perspective keeps me friends with the kid I have to discipline, instead of making myself his enemy. Every boy has an ego, hit that ego and you become an adversary and you've lost your point of disciplining. Hitting his ego, or him, is counter-productive. At the point of punishing always make sure to separate the boy himself from his misdeeds. A great secret. LIGHTEN UP! Most Institutions are way too serious! Rules, regulations and strict discipline are what institutions are known for. CONTROL! I often wonder why institutions are so serious. I think it's because the leaders know that, kids can go too far and don't know when to quit. It's true, kids because they are kids often go too far, but that's no reason to cut out fun, humor, and joy. A laugh is good. Fun is healthy and normal but rare indeed in an institution. An adult or leader that can have spontainous fun with his kids and yet remain respected as a leader ... is indeed a great leader and will have a wonderful and productive relationship with his kids. Humor acts like a pressure release for the institution (or home for that matter.) Go for humor but always retain control and respect! TELEVISION ... THE PACIFIER: At home or an institute, television and videos work like magic to quietly control a group of boys for a period of time. Television and video can be good, or they can be bad, depending on how leaders use them. The screen makes an impressive teaching tool for good or for bad. However the indiscriminate use of Television or video films by lazy leadership can end up being the enemy. Counter productive. Check out what your problem boys watch! (They're always learning!) A saturation of sex and violence is all a group of problem boys need to reinforce their own drives. Selecting and using good video's and TV programs that not only entertain but reinforce character and morals and a work ethic would be the best direction to go. Make TV work for you not against you. Warning, TV can be a tool or a slowly smoldering time bomb! ENCOURAGEMENT AND RECOGNITION: Encouragement does wonders for a kid! It does wonders for a group too. Encouragement and recognition are forms of attention ... and every problem kid craves attention. At times there isn't much you can find in a problem kid to encourage, especially a teenager, BUT if you look hard enough, there is always something. LEAD THE LEADER: Locate the young leader (Your competition!), work to make him your friend, and you'll end up leading the young leader and the group. Win the young problem leader over to your side and you won't have a problem leader. Lead the leaders and you'll lead the group. Common sense. A simple secret I have used for years. To win a problem kid is easy. (1) Be respectable. (Why should he respect you if your not respectable?) (2) Give him special time and attention. (3) Love him even if he is unlovely and unlovable. (4) Let him know you recognize his potential and ask him to be your friend ... and help you out. DO THEY LIKE YOU OR FIGHT YOU? A great little secret I learned long ago. I would rather work with a group that likes and respects me than one that fights me or fears me, it makes the work so much easier. That makes sense. That means the first task I had was to work to make the group like and respect me. Of course that meant I must be both likeable and respectable and willing to work at it. It's no fun working in a cold-war environment. PUNISHING CAN BE A JOKE! I laugh at society, their bureaucracy and their lame attempts at dealing with problem kids. Punishing them "so they won't return" The following example proves how useless this bureaucratic approach is. "I've watched kids, even men, as they return to their neighborhoods after being released from jail or prison ... what a homecoming! These guys are accepted as heroes, by all their friends! Do the prison guards know this? Does the system know this? When the kids tell everyone how badly they were treated, they make even more recruits, especially the younger kids who want to be made a real man by taking the punishment handed out by angry guards ... and scars are better than battle ribbons! Go to prison, become a man, prove you can take it! (Makes no difference to the guards; they get their living by this!

HOME » FOR TEACHERS AND YOUTH WORKERS » PROBLEM BOYS IN AN INSTITUTIONAL ENVIRONMENT: LIVING WITHOUT WAR AND HOW TO KEEP HARMONY AND IMPACT LIVES IN AN INSTITUTIONAL ENVIRONMENT

PROBLEM BOY? This title is a little misconceiving. "Problem" boys? Let's be fair. These boys are more the product of problems they have never asked for and because of that, they have become "problems" to society. Particularly where it comes to accepting authority. Boys with their problems are targeted more than girls. It seems boys are problems and girls have problems. Problem boys? In one-way yes and in one-way no.
I've worked, as a professional, more than fifty years with problem kids, many of them living in an institutional environment. Prisons, orphanages, schools and homes ... my focus has been boys; how they think, act and react. In the article below I have listed some observations and made some suggestions to help make the environment of institutional life a little easier and more inclined to integrate the so called "problem boy" into becoming a healthy part of society. CHECK OUT THE FOLLOWING TIPS!
A REMINDER: As Adult and mature workers, it's sometimes necessary to reinforce our understanding of how to effectively work with a group of troubled boys packed into an institutional environment. The following are some reminders of how to make the best of a difficult but rewarding job. If you are working in an institution full of problem boys, you should understand that you are going to have problems. You need to come into the work with that understanding. The big question is; how will you handle the boy or boy's and their problems? A more honest question would be, are you part of the institution because you sincerely want to help the boys or simply for wages? Each immature or unskilled leader or helper working in an institution full of troubled boys is only going to compound the problems within the institution. Most inexperienced and unskilled workers create their own problems with the kids. Often there is an ongoing cold-war between the staff and kids.
TRANSFER OF AUTHORITY: Sometimes we crucify our new or inexperienced staff workers by failing to properly "transfer authority and responsibility." Delegating authority is always tricky, it can be done right or done wrong! A new staff member given responsibility over a group of young residents always seems to cause problems as the new staff member navigates around the land-mines of her new territory. Without proper delegation of authority the kids will drive the new staff member into frustration, which often turns into yelling, threats, and beatings!
Delegated authority, that is, authority bestowed on a new or inexperienced staff member is often not accepted by the kids! To be sure; the kids will always test a new staff member. The leader, and one delegating the authority needs to know this; the new staff member needs to know this! These little piranhas can kill!
The leader, delegating a staff member authority, needs to do this publicly; in front of the kids that the new staff member will be responsible for. The leader must say and mean: he/she represents me! The leader needs to be seen as supporting the new member on the team. The leader and new staff member need to work close together until the new person is accepted by his kids. Caution leaders! Never take a new or inexperienced person, give him his responsibilities, and then let him go on his own! Done to often by busy and thoughtless leaders ... simply throwing them to the piranhas!
ENVIRONMENT: The environment is so important to progress of any kind. My first goal, as the leader, was to create the right institutional environment. Every institution where kids live and work together creates it's own environment. An environment that's friendly to authority and discipline may be hard to create but it's great to work in. Conversely, an environment that's hostile to authority is a very difficult environment to work in. Problem kids can be your friends or your adversaries. The adult and mature leader is responsible for the institution's environment. Change always comes slow.
TURNOVER: A high turn over of personnel in any institution is simply going to compound problems. Many unseen problems develop as a result of a high staff turnover. It's just unnatural to have an ongoing cycle of authorities. Most kids in an institution are insecure to begin with, this just adds to their insecurity. Investing your love and respect in a person who will soon disappear from your life is painful, another scar. If this happens often the kids will retreat into themselves and/or peers. They develop a defense mechanism by retreating and becoming cold and indifferent. I spent time in an orphanage in Bolivia where this was so apparent and the director had no clue.
RUN-A-WAY KIDS: With kids that are incarcerated this won't be a problem, however, In many "homes" or orphanages you will have your share of runaways. Problem boys are immature and have a tendency to run from their problems. Often it's to get the attention they need. After they cool down, it's only right that you hunt for them and try to talk them back. If a kid is determined to leave, be sure that misunderstandings are rectified, and you separate as friends, with the runaway invited back any time.
EACH BOY COMES WITH HIS OWN BAGGAGE: Remember every boy comes into your institution with a problem history that you had nothing to do with. It isn't your fault. His history is probably going to be revealed when he is under pressure. He will be a problem! Expect problems from problem boys ... don't be shocked or surprised. Look cool and keep cool and you will be respected.
EVERY BOY WANTS A FAMILY: Most every boy would rather be anywhere but in an institution and in some cases he may prefer a good, homelike institution with loving staff, than his own dysfunctional home. FACT! You must assume he doesn't really want to be there. Most problem boys lack discipline and don't like to be under discipline or authority. Many boys along with most problem boys don't like schooling and homework. Most boys, especially teens don't like to work. Then, it's no big mystery as to why they run away. They think like kids because they are kids. As kids, they will tend to run from problems rather than face them. Often, all it takes for a kid to leave is an altercation! If a problem kid intends to run from an institution he will generally be thinking about it for days, maybe weeks and will often try and convince a friend or two to join him. In most cases the boy wants someone to care enough to talk him into coming back. Someone who will make the effort to give him the love and attention he deserves. And someone who will try to explain "why" he needs to return.
INSTITUTION OR HOME: Every child was born to be raised in a normal home. A good and healthy home consists of a mature loving father and mature loving mother working together to raise their children into a healthy adulthood. No matter how varied an institution or "homelike," it's still unnatural, it's still an institution. An institution may be much better than a bad home or the street but it still isn't a home.
EVERY PROBLEM BOY WANTS, NEEDS, AND CRAVES ATTENTION: ATTENTION IS A FORM OF RECOGNITION. Look at every one of your kids as a person needing love, attention and recognition. In every case your problem boy wants to be loved and wanted. Every normal kid is born to be loved and wanted. He wants and needs attention and recognition but being a problem kid he goes about getting that love and attention in all the wrong ways. And unfortunately we workers often respond in all the wrong ways. FACT: If bad behavior is the only way he can get attention, then he will behave bad. Even if his behavior will result in a beating, at least he gets his attention! He is recognized as a somebody, you don't beat a no-body. FACT: Every problem kid wants and needs attention! Why is it we can't find the time to complement or encourage a kid for what he does right. The time you invest in a kid will always pay off.
FRUSTRATION: As a staff working with problem kids, prepare to be frustrated from time to time; you have several things going against you. Fifty problem kids, with their baggage, add to that the fact that they are in their adolescent years, all living together in a small area ... Fifty kids, each wanting your attention; all of this can easily become an explosive environment! Caution: Frustration can lead to anger and flaring temper! An outbreak of anger and temper on the part of the staff is like throwing gas into a fire. Remember, you can't take back what your mouth spits out in a fit of anger. Prepare to be cautious as you walk around land-mines.
EVERY KID WANTS AND DESERVES TO BE TREATED FAIRLY! FAIR is the key word in successfully working with kids. Remember, problem kid or normal kid, all kids want to be treated FAIRLY. If they're treated UNFAIRLY, or perceive that they are being treated UNFAIRLY, they can become bitter and twisted. We as adult workers must always be the mature ones, we must discipline fairly. We must be cool while the kid may be hot! We must be calm when the kid is hot and angry. Any adult that is working with problem kids must be able to handle problem kids as a mature adult or he shouldn't be working with problem kids. We must be dedicated to solving problems not complicating problems.
Example: Be fair! Keep your word! An orphanage full of boys were going on a camp outing in a few weeks. Two days before the campout three boys misbehaved and they were told they could not go to camp. This was a disappointing surprise. This was their punishment. They felt this was unfair, and it was, because they had looked forward to the camp and were never told that camp would be used as a punishment lever. What's right is right.
THE "ABUSED" WORKER: Each kids is expected to do his share of work in an institution. Some kids are quiet and compliant while others are feisty and defiant! Every kid has a temperament. I've found in many institutes the more compliant boy who does the job without complaining is the one ends up doing the hard nasty jobs and doing them all the time. The verbal and defiant boy is difficult to work with, so the compliant boy continues on the hard jobs. It's easier to put him to work than argue with the strong willed kids. More hard work is not the best way to reward a quiet compliant kid. It isn't FAIR! Often that kid will get fed up and run away ... and he should!
FAVORTISM: It's so normal and human to have favorites. Even in families parents will have their own favorite kids. Favoritism isn't FAIR and it isn't right it's socially unacceptable. Ask anyone who wasn't the favorite. Favoritism in an institution housing problem boys will produce an even more competitive environment. As a mature worker keep yourself from showing favoritism and you will be loved and respected by all. Spread your love to each and all, not to just a select few.
THE FUTURE LEADER: Most of us prefer the quieter compliant boy. He learns well and does what you say and says what you like to hear. We find it easy to give him love and attention and think of him as a future leader BUT it's a fact that the energy filled, feisty boy who is often the one in trouble, has a greater potential of being a future leader. In early years his strong will, defiant mouth and actions get him in trouble. He's decisive and opinionated and dares to confront his peers and even his leaders ... because of this he is seen as a troublemaker. History proves that this boy will probably be the leader (for good or bad) on the other hand the compliant boy we all love will most likely be a good follower and possibly a leader of sorts. Don't destroy the leadership potential you have in your hand, befriend them and convert them to your side. (Tame the stallion!) When you lead the leaders you are the leader indeed! My goal has always been to find the leaders and win them to into becoming my followers.
POLICY MADE ON THE SPOT: When we make up quick policy or rules right on the spot, especially under emotion ... it will turn out wrong! NEVER make a policy decision while your frustrated or angry ... it will turn out wrong! COOL DOWN before making that kind of decision. A cool and logical decision tends to be a good one.
Take a walk first. Never state or promise a punishment to kids that you can't, won't, or don't intend to carry out
THE MORE PROBLEM BOYS PACKED INTO A SMALL AREA THE MORE PROBLEMS YOU WILL HAVE: That's a simple formula for problems. It doesn't take a scientist to figure this one out. It's just a fact, a lot of problem boys in a small area produce fights and quarrels, if the same number of problem boys are in a large ranch setting, fewer fights and quarrels. Logical. Kids in a structured environment will have less problems than kids in a non=structured environment. Do the best with what you have. Keep problem kids busy.
HEAT: A Hot series of days puts a great deal of pressure on a group of kids especially if they are crowded together in a small area. Often a product of a series of hot days is social stress resulting in more than usual arguments, fussing and fighting. Days of rain can present similar problems; have indoor games and activities in your mind.
PUNISHING A KID FOR WHAT HE DOES WRONG: Of course there is a need to punish or discipline a problem kid for what he does or says that's wrong. I feel every kid expects to be punished for what he intentionally says or does wrong. To be FAIR he must be reminded WHY what he said or did was wrong and given the proper punishment without anger. The punishment of a problem boy should be given out by a calm mature adult with the authority to do so. The punishment of a wrong doer must always be according to his violation and his maturity, not your emotion. To be honest you will get better results by slowly encouraging a problem kid for what he does right than punishing him for what he does wrong. Punishing a boy for his infraction is always to help the boy learn the right way to act; NEVER TO BE A TARGET OF AN ANGRY FRUSTRATED WORKER!!! All boys deep down inside agree with and accept FAIR punishment.
PERSPECTIVE: Always try to see things from the eyes of the kids. Try to get their view. While you may not agree with his perspective It will give you a better attitude to work with the kids. This is called understanding.
HUMILIATION: Humiliation is cruel! Never humiliate a kid in front of his peers or an adult he respects. This is suicide. (Would you like to be humiliated in front of your friends?) The humiliated kid will learn to hate or dislike the one who humiliates him. Public humiliation just doesn't work. It's cruel! I've heard so many Adult workers and teachers humiliate their young students or problem kids thinking that the humiliation would make a behavioral change. Not true! Humiliating a problem student by calling him a donkey because he gets bad grades will indeed produce a donkey. It doesn't help the problem or solve the problem; it just drives it deeper inside. Humiliating a kid because he wets his bed is cruel. Attention! An intelligent and experienced person knows that kids who wet their beds have emotional problems and humiliating them just aggravates the problem. Humiliation simply doesn't work never use it! Just keep quiet and work with him. If necessary, buy him pampers until he stops wetting his bed. He'll ultimately stop of his own accord, and only of his own accord.
Example: At a school one day, the teacher stood a boy up in front of everyone and myself (Whom he respected) and told me how dumb he was and how poor his grades were. That he was a donkey! I'm sure the teacher thought that this would make him try harder to get better grades and would give an example to the class but this was unFAIR and cruel! It was wrong! There is no evidence whatsoever that this helps the poor student, it just makes him a poorer student learning to hate school. Indeed if the teacher or leader tells a boy he's a dumb donkey enough times he will become a dumb donkey. Christian perspective: Humiliating a person is never something a loving mature Christian would do.
PUNISHING EVERYONE FOR THE MISDEEDS OF A FEW! Somehow we think that punishing everyone for the misdeeds of a few will make the majority angry and they will put pressure on the few who misbehaved. The majority lever simply doesn't work! Why? Because the "trouble-makers" are normally the leaders of the whole group. The obedient majority aren't going to take on the disobedient leaders in the minority! (I think to myself "How dumb can some adults be??") If you understand kids you will understand that this type of discipline blurs the line of right and wrong. This type of discipline is still being practiced today. Too bad!
What this UNFAIR discipline does do is make the good kids angry. It's not FAIR they say, and they're right! "I should never be castigated for what I didn't do!"
Example: We had a teacher at school who would pull this type of discipline. On occasion we would all have to stay after school because of the antics of a few. No one would face up to the misbehavers SO, as long as we were going to be castigated anyway, we all joined in and misbehaved. We were all happy to make that dumb teacher's school day miserable. I can't believe the number of otherwise mature intelligent leaders use this type of discipline. Christian perspective? It isn't right! It isn't FAIR.
DON'T MAKE A BOY A LEADER OVER HIS PEERS: On occasions this seems tempting but it isn't a good policy. This places an unhealthy pressure on the young boy. He is immature and inexperienced and many times not the real group leader. The only way he can make his peers obey is by yelling or going physical, after all this is the way he was probably disciplined. Be cautious before placing an older boy over younger problem boys. Be cautious about placing authority on the immature.
This again puts too much pressure on the older boy and in most cases he has to enforce his authority by yelling and getting physical. This becomes an easy way to create a bully.
EARNING YOUR RESPECT: Understand this! Just being an adult or having a leadership position does not give you respect with these kind of problem boys. The best kind of respect or influence you can have over a boy of this type comes as a gift to you from him. He either gives you his respect or doesn't give you his respect; respect is his to give and his alone! Respect is yours to earn. You can't demand it! Indeed you can force a child to fear you (punishment) but you can never force a child to love you or respect you ... true respect is earned! The answer is simply to be consistent and act, honestly, firmly, FAIRly and respectably, and you will get respect, it may take some time but it will come. When a mature and responsible adult shouts, screams, and loses control of his temper, he is not acting respectable or mature. A Christian perspective: A screaming, out-of-control leader is not acting as a Christian but as a child.
NEVER ACCUSE THE WRONG PERSON: Don't be hasty! Never accuse anyone for something they didn't do! It simply isn't FAIR! Is it any different with problem children? No! An adult or leader accusing a problem kid or several kids of something they didn't do makes a deep wound and it will leave a kid scarred for life. It creates a genuine and deep dislike and distrust for those in leadership accusing him of what he never did. Being falsely accused embitters the boy against authority. Many problem boys find it easy to rebel against authority, because in the past they have been treated unfairly! Always make sure to accuse the right person or persons, if you aren't sure, hold your peace. Always remember his peers are always watching you and how you treat others.
DISCIPLINE: Problem boys want discipline, and need it. Problem boys may fight it but underneath it all, every kid knows he needs discipline. Punishment and correction? Problem boys will take correction or punishment for misdeeds, if the correction is seen as just and fair. Several things that make all the difference in the world. (1) Make the rules needed simple and understandable. (2) Be consistent! (3) Discipline the boy without anger, after all the discipline is for the boy's good, not yours. (4) If you can, take opportunity to teach the why of the discipline. (5) Make the punishment fit the crime! Take the misdeed into consideration and take the age or maturity into consideration. Above all, be FAIR! Remember the boy is never to be a target for your frustration! The adult is expected to be the mature one, not the kid.
HURTING THOSE YOU LOVE: If you dare to love problem kids, from time to time you will be hurt. Expect it! This is hard to understand. Problem kids have rarely been punished properly; sometimes beaten by someone they love, or never punished at all or they have been left by someone they loved they seem to sense a need for punishment so on occasion they will punish or hurt themselves in a variety of perverted ways. One way to punish themselves is to hurt someone they love, this "hurts" or "pains" ... and punishes them self. Unfortunately a person they love often becomes the target of this kind of twisted problem boy. Understand that the boy in doing this is hurting as much as you are. Wait it out, they'll often come back. Kids know they need to be corrected or disciplined for their wrongs and this is just one way of doing it to themselves ... how many problem kids behind bars are simply getting their attention and punishing themselves.
NEVER ATTACK THE BOY HIMSELF ... ATTACK HIS BEHAVIOR: This is a simple secret I have used for years in disciplining kids. This perspective keeps me friends with the kid I have to discipline, instead of making myself his enemy. Every boy has an ego, hit that ego and you become an adversary and you've lost your point of disciplining. Hitting his ego, or him, is counter-productive. At the point of punishing always make sure to separate the boy himself from his misdeeds. A great secret.
LIGHTEN UP! Most Institutions are way too serious! Rules, regulations and strict discipline are what institutions are known for. CONTROL! I often wonder why institutions are so serious. I think it's because the leaders know that, kids can go too far and don't know when to quit. It's true, kids because they are kids often go too far, but that's no reason to cut out fun, humor, and joy. A laugh is good. Fun is healthy and normal but rare indeed in an institution. An adult or leader that can have spontainous fun with his kids and yet remain respected as a leader ... is indeed a great leader and will have a wonderful and productive relationship with his kids. Humor acts like a pressure release for the institution (or home for that matter.) Go for humor but always retain control and respect!
TELEVISION ... THE PACIFIER: At home or an institute, television and videos work like magic to quietly control a group of boys for a period of time. Television and video can be good, or they can be bad, depending on how leaders use them. The screen makes an impressive teaching tool for good or for bad. However the indiscriminate use of Television or video films by lazy leadership can end up being the enemy. Counter productive. Check out what your problem boys watch! (They're always learning!)
A saturation of sex and violence is all a group of problem boys need to reinforce their own drives. Selecting and using good video's and TV programs that not only entertain but reinforce character and morals and a work ethic would be the best direction to go. Make TV work for you not against you. Warning, TV can be a tool or a slowly smoldering time bomb!
ENCOURAGEMENT AND RECOGNITION: Encouragement does wonders for a kid! It does wonders for a group too. Encouragement and recognition are forms of attention ... and every problem kid craves attention. At times there isn't much you can find in a problem kid to encourage, especially a teenager, BUT if you look hard enough, there is always something.
LEAD THE LEADER: Locate the young leader (Your competition!), work to make him your friend, and you'll end up leading the young leader and the group. Win the young problem leader over to your side and you won't have a problem leader. Lead the leaders and you'll lead the group. Common sense.
A simple secret I have used for years. To win a problem kid is easy. (1) Be respectable. (Why should he respect you if your not respectable?) (2) Give him special time and attention. (3) Love him even if he is unlovely and unlovable. (4) Let him know you recognize his potential and ask him to be your friend ... and help you out.
DO THEY LIKE YOU OR FIGHT YOU? A great little secret I learned long ago. I would rather work with a group that likes and respects me than one that fights me or fears me, it makes the work so much easier. That makes sense. That means the first task I had was to work to make the group like and respect me. Of course that meant I must be both likeable and respectable and willing to work at it. It's no fun working in a cold-war environment.
PUNISHING CAN BE A JOKE! I laugh at society, their bureaucracy and their lame attempts at dealing with problem kids. Punishing them "so they won't return" The following example proves how useless this bureaucratic approach is.
"I've watched kids, even men, as they return to their neighborhoods after being released from jail or prison ... what a homecoming! These guys are accepted as heroes, by all their friends! Do the prison guards know this? Does the system know this? When the kids tell everyone how badly they were treated, they make even more recruits, especially the younger kids who want to be made a real man by taking the punishment handed out by angry guards ... and scars are better than battle ribbons! Go to prison, become a man, prove you can take it! (Makes no difference to the guards; they get their living by this!